(Not So Merry) Christmas

I am happy to be alive; employed; healthy; loved.
I am unhappy to be away from everything I ever knew; some loved ones; my comfort zone.

Holidays have never been the greatest part of the year for me. I've never had a lot, but I've usually had just enough. This year it feels like I have nothing. I'm broke, miss my mother, boyfriend is out and I'm just in the same four walls that I'm always in.

I hope everyone really took today out to realized how blessed they were and how much they have compared to other people. The holidays really are about who you're with, so don't spend them alone if you don't have to.

Some may not like their family very much, but at the end of the day that's all you have. If you don't have them, you really don't have anything.

This year, I don't have anything.

Know you're loved
Happy Holidays.

Tired of Lonely

Have you ever been around people and still felt alone? I'm starting to feel alone alot, like I'm losing touch with everything.

I don't get to talk to my close friends as often as I would like to anymore, I barely have any friends in this city and it just feels like I'm always annoying my boyfriend. I just feel like I should be in a mental institution, atleast I'd have free room & board, meals, TV time, sleeping pills, etc.

Shit, now that I break it down, where do I sign up?!?

I try to put all my energies into the right places, but it seems like I get nothing but the wrong things back.

If you were dating someone and truly wanted to be with that one, would all the games and bullshit of outside people seem important anymore?

If a good friend of yours had been calling you day after day after day, would you think maybe something was up or think nothing of it?

Just a couple of questions...

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Disappointment

Sometimes I wonder why things still amaze me. I've been disappointed since birth, so what's the point in acting like I'm shocked anytime something happens? Most people that have ever been close to me at one point or another have disappointed me, yet my thought process still isn't "it's only a matter of time" Does that make me naive? I'm starting to think I have been.

Between work, love and life in general, I am beginning to slump. I haven't progressed at all since I've moved, I've just been stagnant. I'm ready for something big to happen, whether it's for me or if I'm just apart of some project.

It's time for a new circle of friends, a new job, just a new situation, or should I just go back and shape the previous one?

Either way, I feel like I'll have to face more disappointment soon.

Hmph.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Welp!

I was just thinking, why do people treat each other so strangely when It comes to relationships? Instead of just being about being with one another, all this random weird shit happens. Random changes happen and it's like "what the hell?"

This thing happens where I'm in a situation and I don't talk about it, but randomly a friend or two will call me up because they're experiencing something similar.

Fuck it Long story short, people just expect more out of me than themselves and this holds true in all facets of my life. At work, I'm expected to do my job better than someone who has been there longer than me, only because I'm me. In my love life, I'm expected to follow orders and not ask questions of my own. I can't even properly confront my past because of how strange that situation was.

Do you ever feel like you're the one of you, so no one could ever relate and understand?

Curious feeling that can be..


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Maybe I'm doing too much

Its times like these that make me remember why I stayed to myself before.

I'm really trying to figure out some things. My main question is: why am I so different? I can't seem to see eye-to-eye nor make people understand where I'm coming from. I feel like I can't win. I really want to speak, be heard and be understood.

I feel like I'm the last of a dying breed. My friends should know me, and for the most part they do. Sometimes I feel like people closer just don't truly get me. I'm not translating correctly. I'm logical, fair, not overbearing, but protective.

Do you ever think that you don't ask for too much, but then randomly alot happens? I feel like crying right now. I'm being overwhelmed with emotions. I'm confused as to why certain things continue to happen and I'm supposed to just deal with it. "well, I guess you just gotta deal with it." Those were the words used. I'm upset at the fact that "I" have to endure so much in a "we" situation.

I hope I'm not losing myself.. It's happening too fast and it's all wrong. People really don't see how their past can factor into their present or futures.

Thanks blog. I'm glad you are always here to listen, uninterrupting and unmoved.


-- Post From My iPhone

You Know What I Find Funny...

I find it hilarious that I can't seem to say how I feel and when I finally can, I say entirely too much. Instead of saying just how I feel in a particular moment, how I felt about someone or something in the past comes up as well.

I also listen more than I speak, it just so happens that when I speak not everything being said is important, just bits and pieces are.

The funniest thing just so happens to be me, because I'm a funny person.

I contradict myself in some very imaginable ways. I'm very guarded even though I try to be as open as possible. That has to be the biggest laugh.

Anyway, later.

-- Post From My iPhone

"Why Do You Love Me?"

Tonight you asked me why I love you. I love you because the way you make me feel. You support me in everything, you're honest, funny, smart and inquisitive. Though at times your honesty may be a little harsh, I know you are being open with me and ultimately you mean well. When we kissed, I felt like the luckiest guy in the world. The cheesy moments we have together are only between us.

Asking me why I love you offended me, It made me feel like my actions aren't enough and honestly they aren't. Another reason I deleted my Twitter was because I felt like it was distracting. Having a long distance relationship is hard enough, so I just want to make sure I'm focused on being with you.

Looking at the pics of us together only makes me more excited about the future. I can't wait to be with you again, kissing you, walking down the street with you and just being close to you.

I love you.


-- Post From My iPhone

Untitled...

It's hard for me to title these because I never know what I'm about to say.

Anyway, life is really good. I still can't figure ppl out, but I stopped trying to figure them out a long time ago.

I'm beginning to notice more and more that it's hard for ppl to accept responsibility. You would think ppl could admit to their mistakes, own up and move on, but like everything else, it's easier said than done!

Instead of summing things up, I'll add two cents a day.

Ta ta.


-- Post From My iPhone

People Come and Go

I will never understand how you can know someone for so long and think you have them somewhat figured out. We are all complex, emotional beings and that's what makes us so unpredictable.

Things can be great and then abruptly come to a halt. When it comes to friendships, I used to be pretty confident that I'm a damn good friend and I keep those around, but I've been questioning lately if that truly is the case.

I thank god for every encounter I've had, because each person is an experience. It's just shocking how people come and go. All you can do is let them go and let them be. My efforts have not been reciprocated, so maybe it really isn't meant to be.

It's definitely okay though, I'm still working on other chapters of my book as this one closes. I'm always excited about starting new chapters as well.

Maybe I should get a new number and see who notices.
=]


-- Post From My iPhone

Let go of: Foolishness

It's summertime. It's hot outside, people get in heat and get a little attention and act out.

For those that act crazy, then act like nothing is wrong, they do that because it's their norm. I hope and pray that one day they'll change.

As for all of this foolishness, it's being let go of.
=]

"Smile not to put on a show for others, but to feel the happiness as you put forth the effort"

-- Post From My iPhone

The reason...

The reason people act a certain way is because of the experiences they've had. I've experienced a lot of people being wishy-washy in my life so I act like I don't care when deep down I do. I act like I don't care because in the past when I cared it meant nothing so I count the option of caring out now.

The reason I think so much is because I know plenty of people that speak before they think and I've learned that sometimes acting on your impulses isn't the best option for everyone.

The reason I feel that I won't have a great relationship with anyone is because people don't know what they want. I know 30yr old men that have told me they still aren't sure what their ideal partner would be like.

Through other peoples hurt, pain, joy, laughter, complacentcy, etc as well as my own, I have built my own wall of reason as to why I act the way I act. Until you've talked to someone or experienced them long enough to know why they do some of the things they do, you may not surely know where certain things are coming from inside of them.

Most importantly, the reason for this blog is clarity. It is becoming clearer and clearer to me we are all misunderstood and that is why things happen, good and bad. It's confusing but in the end it all make sense to me.

When I do something and you don't understand it, ask me and I'll gladly tell you.
I'm an open book.


-- Post From My iPhone

I Used To...

Dear Lord,

I used
to act, be creative and be free-spirited. Something is missing. There is a part of me that is either gone or surpressed and I need to find it or release if.

I miss acting and taking pictures and writing music. I really need to get my life together, change scenery and get back into the swing of things.

As always, thanks for giving me the strength and power of realization.

Thanks Lord
Love Assante


-- Post From My iPhone

You're Overreacting.

Do you ever feel like overreacting could truly just be your natural reaction to something? Through it, you sometimes discover things about yourself and sometimes others. I feel like by keeping things to myself I'm can calm the storm or make them go away. It's funny because imploding can be more hurtful than just saying what I meant at a given moment.

My problem is this: whenever I try to make change, I feel unsupported or ridiculed in my endeavors, but let someone else tell it, it becomes gospel.

This past week has been pretty aggravating yet I've remained thinking positively. Despite being ignored, shaded, copied and other miscellanous activity, I've kept my emotions at bay and managed to make things happen for myself.

So what if my implosion is my overreaction?
This should be interesting.


-- Post From My iPhone

Make This Moment Last

I woke up sore and feeling terrible (I blame Krystals) but I got up and I'm feeling great! I'm about to go slave for a few hours and then go home and mentally prepare for tomorrow.

I really can't wait for this New York trip. Hopefully, I'll have these auditions when I get there and maybe some interviews. I am just too excited! Looking forward to these journeys I have seems to keep me going. It may be draining to work as much as I do, but my hardwork always pays off.

It's moments like these I want to make last forever.

=]

PS - Jason, do u still read these? Rep yo set, lol

Sigh

Why do I feel like it's going to be a long time before I can be truly settled and happy? I mean, things are getting better, but in a very slow way it feels like. I have friends that are genuinely happy for me... at times. Me being happy seems like the norm to people around me, but what some don't realize is how hard it is waking up and pushing myself to do things can be. No one is patting me on the back, or constantly encouraging me to do anything, I'm doing it.

There are people around me that I feel take a lot of things for granted, but outside looking in, they could find their things to say about me as well. Im employed, but unsatisfied with work. I have a place to live, but not my own. I have transportation, but it's inconvenient and public.

I feel like I'm one of those people that will have to keep pushing just to make ends meet.

I need to be in New York. This trip is only the beginning.

Know it.

Confused Ones

I need to take personal inventory and really get my life together. I'm becoming one of those people that just loses themselves at any given moment. I'm a confused one.

Confused ones are those that think they know what they want, but haven't experienced enough to truly know what it is I strive for.

My plans as far as career, school and relocating change daily. I need to focus.

ASAP

What Will This Amount To?

This thing called life is so complicated, everything you do in it pieces together to make some master plan. Its so discouraging at times because you don't know what the final picture is supposed to look like. You're born, you live and you die. That's all we know. So what's this all going to pan out and make?

Its so frustrating to not know what the future holds. I think that's why I love life so much, the challenge in not knowing what's going to happen can be exciting at times. There are ups and downs, I'd rather dwell on top of the hill than down at the bottom of the ditch.

Again, what will all this amount to?
Everything, because everything we do, good and bad, makes us who we are.

What Power Do You Possess?

I find it so funny that blame always gets placed on me for things and a lot of the time instead of going back and forth deciphering right and wrong, I take the hit and try to take action to move forward. Apparently that isn't enough, because I assume that I can set some sort of example and that actions would be reciprocated. I fail to forget that I can't change people. That isn't a power I possess.

We all have things that we do, certain rights and wrongs we use to change ourselves and others, but I forget that I don't lead others by example, I usually lead others in more manipulative ways. The trickiness behind my manipulation is that most of the time I don't do it on purpose, but I'm sometimes satisfied with the outcome.

What power do you possess? We all have the power of change but do you use it for good or evil?
Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

Good spirits.

Let's do something different. I'm going to list all the positives in my life to begin:

I'm working, have money, a place to sleep, an apple computer, a blackberry, I'm creative, healthy, and I know I have a bright future.

With all that said, what's holding me back? Maybe its the thought of what I don't have: a car, my own place, a particular look, a certain confidence/steeze.

Things will come in time, but its hard to know what actually will come since I feel like I don't know what I want to do. This summer will be very interesting, it will be a time for new self-discovery and motivation.

"When you're down, you have the world holding you there so you have trouble finding people to help pick you up. You hold everyones problems, but no one wants to hold yours." -Pessi Mistic

"So here's the motivation to move forward with: you've come this far, 21yrs of age, why stop now? Some people don't begin their careers till 30 or later. You get frustrated and confused because you're so eager. Be patient, take your time and take care of yourself.

You'll be great when your time comes. You'll always be in your prime until you're ready to break"
-Me to myself

^_^
Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

What's really real?

Looking at this ridiculous pic, you may wonder "what the hell?" Its a pic I took on the train I took, but its off the window. The reflection is of my phone and some seats and out the window are a couple lights.

The picture itself isn't important, but the meaning behind it is. At this point in my life, the expression "nothing is as it seems" is more meaningful to me than what's actually been said to me in a while. People may appear to us as one thing, but when they look in the mirror, they don't even see their true selves. Isn't that crazy?

Basically, I can see myself without a mirror, but only parts of my self. I can never look myself in the face physically in realtime, only a reflection of who I appear to be or who I want to be.

This brings me to my question: Who do I want to be me? I mean, I know I want to be me, as unique, different and inspirational as possible, but who do I want to be?

Perception is everything; in the eyes of the beholder; the difference between what you and I see; key.

To sum it all up I'm seen differently by most, some see me as unique, some see me as funny, some see me as shady, some see me as real.

Do I ever want to be seen with a general definition? No. If everyone thought the exact same things about me, that means my personality lacks variety and makes me feel boring.

Wait.

What am I talking about again?

Im stuck.

Everytime I try to get free, negativity pulls me back. I've tried clearing my head numerous times today and just can't seem to find the love I need to get thru what it is that I'm going thru.

For those of you that know me, you know that I usually try to look on the bright side, or think positively. Outside looking in, the process always looked easy, but one day you will find that the grass isn't always greener.

Thinking positively for me has always been really hard, because I had always been surrounded by negative forces. I always pull the positivity from within and tried spreading it to others. Whats funny is, when you look to others for positivity, sometimes you get negativity back.

The funniest thing to me is Perception. Perception is one of those things that would be hard to personify, because it's different for everyone, so generalizations could possibly never be made. When I told people that I was having a hard time with what I was doing, it was a form of asking for help. What seemed like a way to reach out for help to me, was perceived as me playing victim by others. I guess what hurts the most is the fact that I keep getting called as the victim player, when I never gave up the whole while asking for help.

So again, I'm stuck. I've just made my creative block worse now with more of these thoughts and now I don't know how to get rid of this label on my chest that says "save me."

As if being dramatic weren't enough....

Why I Don't Play Well With Others....

Let me start from the top.

A few months ago, early november a guy named... "Rock" entered my life. I met him thru someone I had met thru someone I became friends with a week earlier, we'll call him... Trent. Rock was a real cool dude, I became quickly infatuated with him, but at the time, I didn't find it appropriate to say so. He told me he was talking to someone, but we remained friends for a couple months, then fell out of contact.

Fast Forward>Last week, I get a message from Rock on facebook saying "where you been at? I've missed my lowkey future" so I messaged him back my number because I hate messaging back and forth on facrbook.

FF>Rock calls, we catch up, I tell him how I used to dig him, he tells me how he liked me and sees something in the future for us, and how he wants to take me out, yadda yadda bull.

FF>Monday afternoon, I was in Lenox and saw Rock and this dude holding hands. I text him asking him when he was going to tell me about his man, no response. I'm randomly on twitter, I accidentally type his twitter name in the searchbar instead of the address bar and see where him and his BOYFRIEND had been tweeting each other back and forth.

FF>I call Trent to see if it was Rocks boyfriend, of course it was. I inform Trent that I'm no longer cool with Rock and I don't wanna ever be in the same room as him.

SO now Rock decides he wants to blow my shit up calling and texting me out the ass. My first mind said "don't respond" which I wasn't doing at first, but then, I did.

At 2:30am, he called again and dug his hole deeper. He says "my feelings for you are unique compared to ol boy I'm with now" and "he needs me, I'm not a fan of this situation"

I'm going back to sleep. I can't type anymore of this garbage.

3:36am

So Im finally awake...

and I feel exactly the same as I did before. Nothing is changing and I don't feel like I can make things change.

What's wrong with me? I don't think I've ever been this done. I know indirectly what's wrong, I'm still heartbroken. How do I fix this though? I honestly don't believe a new boyfriend can replace the old one and getting back together at this point just seems...

I don't know...

So, again, Im awake and I don't feel any different. Actually, there is a difference, I don't even feel that temporary spurt of happiness right now. Maybe I need to get out of the house and get out of my head...

I don't wanna sleep...

I wanna live and I feel like if I go to sleep, I may not get back up. Im just tired of feeling this way and nothing seems to make me feel ok. Temporarily, Im happy and positive and get what I need to done, but right about now I'm just over everything. Nothing seems to be a good enough reason to look towards the future anymore. The dream I once had is gone and I don't have the strength to paint a new picture right now.

Ok, Im not going to type too much more. Last bit of the rant is this: I feel so alone and everything I want to do is being done, so how do I hold my own next to someone without seeming like a copy? How can I do me when I'm already being done?

Why can't I sleep? Because I don't wanna sleep, I wanna live.

The truth is funny...

And that's what makes that statement funny.

I wish people would just say what their problem is so I wouldn't have to play guessing games or pretend everything is ok. I'm pretty bad at expressing myself at times, but I can atleast say why I don't want to talk about something.

I know I'm one that heavily believes you can create your own reality, but that doesn't mean by ignoring each and every problem that they go away. Be upfront and confront your problems and find a way to move on.

Relax, it all gets better in time. Even my dramatic ass knows this so you should too.

=/

Crying in the Shower

Well, I intended on taking a shower to take my mind off of things and it only made think about everything all at once.

Here's a short history before I get started. The ex of 4yrs and some change LOVES the rain, as do I. We always spent time together, hence always being together in the rain. Talking, cuddling, riding, etc, anything we could do in the rain. Yesterday, thought about him all day, today, it rained! Between not having cable and not having him, I became frustrated and decided to take a shower. A hot, steamy, sauna-like shower. In the midst of my shower, I started crying. =/

If you have not cried in the shower, I do not recommend it, unless you want to be super-relieved afterwards. Choking on tears in all that steam was tensing me up, but when it was all over, I felt so much better. Oddly enough, I feel like it was symbolic of the relationship, LOL. I can't really explain it, but once I was out (of the shower and the relationship) I felt a million times better. A new weight is being lifted off my shoulders.

Go figure.
>MBG.

I can't be friends with you anymore.

This is an open letter that applies to many of you.

Its time for me to be a little bit more selfish and look out for my own well-being, which basically means I can no longer make your problems mine, listen to more of your lies or care about you more than you care about me. Its time we start taking responsibilities for our actions and truly befriend people that reflect who we are or who we want to be. I don't want to be a deciever and I can't reflect with one either. This may come off as cold, wrong or just flatout inappropriate, but I'm sorry, I can't be friends with you anymore.

If you're wondering if this applies to you, it may. Want a second chance? Kill those negative qualities, reevaluate yourself and make new friends. I have to do what's right for me even if that means hurting you.

That's all.
>MBG.

Good Morning Brother

Good morning brother I say to you

Good morning brother as I bid adieu.

As I prepare to rest my head,

you get up to make your bed.

—

I missed you last nite as we had not talked,

I tried to reach you, but you took a walk.

You are going through things as we all do

Just know if you need me that I am here for you

—

If we do not talk today, we still have tonite,

or tomorrow or a text message or even a flight.

What is hard now will be easier later

You’re still young and when you’re older,

you’ll much much be greater.

—

Good morning brother I say to you

Good morning brother as I bid adieu.

As I prepare to rest my head,

you get up to make your bed.

—

No intro needed

>MBG.

Idea vs. Reality

Its so funny how people think they know you so well, when truly its just ideas they've built up around the thought of you. Sometimes the assumptions/ideas are correct, but other times they aren't. People only get these thoughts because of your actions.

I talked to an old friend today and at first I was excited, because the history I had with this person was this: we met, we clicked, he didn't want to respect my relationship at the time, I cut him off. The situation now: we still click really well, both single, but I don't know if we remember each other, or these ideas we built up of each other thinking "what couldve been."

Nap time, I'll finish later.

*Finishing

Basically, The conversation we had was really good up until he got upset and made a statement that I've been hearing a lot, whether it been serious or joking, I hate the statement passionately. He said something to the effect of "here you go trying to play victim again." This conversation rubbed me the wrong way for several reasons, mainly because it came out of no where, also it had nothing to do with what just transpired and when I asked how I was playing victim, he kept getting dead ass silent.

Let's pretend for 5 minutes that I do "constantly play victim," If that were true I wouldn't be discussing my situation anyway, unless it was in a pitiful manner. I don't even ask for a pat on the back at work, let alone consellation from someone I haven't talke to in almost 2 years.

This doesn't boil down to me wanting someone to tell me how it is that I play victim, but that would be helpful. I really just want people that make these statements to back them up, so I can shut them down.

Lmao

=)

I Am Ready For Love

Not too much to say. I was in and out of sleep spells all day. I'm feeling like... The single life is not the life for me, but that doesn't mean I'm rushing into the next relationship or something like it. I'm just ready to be loved and share all that I have to offer with that special one. No promiscuous phase or testing the water, I just want to settle down.

I'm 21 but I feel like I'm much older at times. I'm willing to make the necessary sacrifices to be with someone, I just feel like no one else is.

Well, well: the patient one doesn't want to be patient anymore. Time to get a new hobby.

=/

Nothing Is Set In Stone

So, I'm figuring things out. The time I take to learn more and more about myself, I'm having grand self-epiphanies. Of course I still have the yearning for the ex and whatnot, but I refuse to fall back into vicious cycles.

ANYWAY, I realize that nothing is set in stone, meaning that things dont always work out they way we want them to, but if you put your heart and mind into it, you can accomplish whatever it is you want. It's easy to get discouraged and give up, so people automatically choose to take the easy way out of things. If you take the hard way and put in a little more effort, you can find things to be a bit more rewarding in the end. For example, sex. Some people do it for pleasure, others do it for a quick release. Put in a little work, drag it out some and the reward can be great!

A chick I used to work with randomly saw me tonight and she gave me a ride home, and we had some very enlightening conversations. It made me wonder why we hadn't hung out sooner. We basically discussed how things aren't coincidences, they happen out of shear belief. If you speak it into existence and act on it, you can get it. No, you WILL get it actually, lol. You may not get it as soon as you want, or sometimes it comes quicker than you expect, either way you have to just know and believe it'll come.

I'm the type of person that just likes to get things done at all costs. If I have to scratch your back, to have mine scratched, then that's what it is. It just means two people are happy at the end of the day instead of one. The chain reaction of positivity that you can set off brings back the best of rewards via Kharma.

"It's not always rainbows and butterflies
It's compromise that moves us along"
- Maroon 5

Love and Life

I've been having that feeling all day today like I've had a significant other, someone in my corner that I had the option of going home to. Reality check: I don't.

I've been replaying a lot of things in my head and wondering how different things would be if my first and I had worked out and to no avail could I figure out if life would be better worse right about now. I think I need to be more confident in the "everything happens for a reason" way of life.

Truly, if I stayed with my ex during some of our break periods, I wouldve missed out on the "fuck love" dates I used to have with my homegirls. I don't think I ever wouldve met some people or stayed friends with other people.

Life is so funny to me because its so complex and you can't solve it like a mystery no matter how hard you try, no matter how many breaks you take to rethink what you're doing and it definitely doesn't matter how many mistakes you make or time you lose. Every wasted experience or lack of experience is more of a loss than it is to do something and learn from that mistake. It may sound crazy, but you never the outcome of things.

Some say life is predetermined, others think its random and cruel. I think it doesn't matter, because at the very end its up to you to choose if it works out or not. My life is going to work out. I'm still young, unfortunately single, but proudly independent. People may think its bad to say "I'm used to being disappointed" but it actually gives me a greater appreciation for self!

"Forgive me first love
I need to get away
To feel again--"
Adele's "First Love"

Don't take anyone for granted.

As I try to go to sleep, I recant the events of today and wonder about the path of life. My ex-boyfriend, first boyfriend ever actually, had a heart attack. He's become a chain smoker and apparently he has a horrible health history in his family. Built dude like that breaking down before me was very scary.

What scared me the most was losing someone that I shared so much with. I just came to grips with our relationship ending, but knowing that he couldve been gone from this earth broke me down quicker than anything ever before. Everything really blew out of place for me today.

I remembered how strong he once was, how strong he made me and it seems like we both crashed when we ended, but just as I am putting together the pieces of my life, I'm realizing that he doesn't fit in it anymore. I love him so much and I loved him so hard, but I truly have to let him go.

My best male friend said something that scared me even more, but it was more of an afterthought. He said somedays he doesn't even want to get up. I've always understood him and at that very moment, it clicked to me why he's my brother. We mirror on so many levels, playing rock for other people, going thru our own trials and tribulations as well as having to grow in our own together but alone.

I pray for them both.

Don't take anyone for granted, including those no longer in your life because the experiences you share with each and every individual make you who you are. Sometimes the bad experiences aren't just growing/learning experiences, but they can be reminders of why somethings aren't meant to be.

Working Man, How Does It Feel?

It feels good to know that I'm still useful. I'm not going to be all emo, because I need to document the good. If you stay looking at the positive, more positive things will come. 2 wrongs dont make a right, but two positives can make a light. LOL, that was corny, but it was needed. The reason my energy is up is because good things have happened, so in order for good things to happen, I need to keep my energy up!! I feel like some things may have transferred, but it just needs to be expelled. We'll work on it as a family though. =)

As I lay me down to sleep...

I prepare to sleep my day away, but what am I really missing? I got some sun, went to training for work, and I talked to some of my close friends.

I'm fading but not wanting to miss anything, this pic is of me falling asleep lol.

Sunday Morning.

Morning. 2nd day of training. My trainer, Lashay is everything. She's upbeat, friendly, helpful, I love her. I stayed up again to make it, lol. I'm not a morning person and my sleep schedule is way off, but I gotta thug it out for this job. I need it for one, its fun and simple for two, lol.

I made a new friend! He has a name that's common, but I like it. He's interesting thus far, but its hard to get a good read off of people from the net. I just think its funny that he tagged me something to the effect that he'd been by, but didn't speak before when not too long ago I had been on his page and told myself not to send him a message, lol.

Anyway, my b-day is coming up, calvin put in 50 and hightower hooked me up with 150 for my party. My friends rock and its good to know that I do have some really supportive friends. I can't wait to see Marco and everyone this weekend. Hopefully, I work all week so it flies by.

Laters.

PS - India will be here to siiiiiing!!!

California Pizza Kitchen

First day of host training, didn't sleep to make sure I was on time and stayed over at a friends house to make sure I made it. I'm dedicated. I have a little downtime, so just though I'd pop by and say hi. I'm feeling really good about working here, almost that feeling I got when working for apple. Well, let me drink my strawberry lemonade before we get started. TTYL.

PS - the other host... She was late, she don't want it, lol. Just kidding, she's cool.

Good Morning!

What's right and what's wrong?

Again I find myself annoyed. This conversation on what's real and what's fake. This situation has really gotten me torn up because I'm defending someone on something and I don't know what's true and what isn't. I'm just over talking about it, but I'm also over being put in this position. No questions have been answered, I'm steady shooting bullets in the dark.

What's right and what's wrong?

Is it right that I'm being loyal and defending things with incomplete information?

Is it wrong that I'm even letting this bother me?

Well, well

Don't really know what to say. This has to be a very odd week for me. I was overloaded with info, some good, some bad. I'm employed now which is great, I'm done moving, well, I moved as much as I could and the bus doesn't take that long to get me downtown.

I've been going through the motions emotionally though, between the stress of the moving, dealing with keeping my ex out of my life and trying to be strong for others- I'm drained. I recently found out a friend of mine isn't everything he was said to be. I think part of my problem is I feel like if I can be open, honest and tell the truth even when I don't want to, others should reciprocate. I've been having a hard time because I'm never one to give up so soon on friendships, but I don't feel like I'm being met halfway.

Hmm,
More at 10!

Test

This is only a test from my blackberry, but more is coming... Soon.
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