Crying in the Shower

Well, I intended on taking a shower to take my mind off of things and it only made think about everything all at once.

Here's a short history before I get started. The ex of 4yrs and some change LOVES the rain, as do I. We always spent time together, hence always being together in the rain. Talking, cuddling, riding, etc, anything we could do in the rain. Yesterday, thought about him all day, today, it rained! Between not having cable and not having him, I became frustrated and decided to take a shower. A hot, steamy, sauna-like shower. In the midst of my shower, I started crying. =/

If you have not cried in the shower, I do not recommend it, unless you want to be super-relieved afterwards. Choking on tears in all that steam was tensing me up, but when it was all over, I felt so much better. Oddly enough, I feel like it was symbolic of the relationship, LOL. I can't really explain it, but once I was out (of the shower and the relationship) I felt a million times better. A new weight is being lifted off my shoulders.

Go figure.
>MBG.

I can't be friends with you anymore.

This is an open letter that applies to many of you.

Its time for me to be a little bit more selfish and look out for my own well-being, which basically means I can no longer make your problems mine, listen to more of your lies or care about you more than you care about me. Its time we start taking responsibilities for our actions and truly befriend people that reflect who we are or who we want to be. I don't want to be a deciever and I can't reflect with one either. This may come off as cold, wrong or just flatout inappropriate, but I'm sorry, I can't be friends with you anymore.

If you're wondering if this applies to you, it may. Want a second chance? Kill those negative qualities, reevaluate yourself and make new friends. I have to do what's right for me even if that means hurting you.

That's all.
>MBG.

Good Morning Brother

Good morning brother I say to you

Good morning brother as I bid adieu.

As I prepare to rest my head,

you get up to make your bed.

—

I missed you last nite as we had not talked,

I tried to reach you, but you took a walk.

You are going through things as we all do

Just know if you need me that I am here for you

—

If we do not talk today, we still have tonite,

or tomorrow or a text message or even a flight.

What is hard now will be easier later

You’re still young and when you’re older,

you’ll much much be greater.

—

Good morning brother I say to you

Good morning brother as I bid adieu.

As I prepare to rest my head,

you get up to make your bed.

—

No intro needed

>MBG.

Idea vs. Reality

Its so funny how people think they know you so well, when truly its just ideas they've built up around the thought of you. Sometimes the assumptions/ideas are correct, but other times they aren't. People only get these thoughts because of your actions.

I talked to an old friend today and at first I was excited, because the history I had with this person was this: we met, we clicked, he didn't want to respect my relationship at the time, I cut him off. The situation now: we still click really well, both single, but I don't know if we remember each other, or these ideas we built up of each other thinking "what couldve been."

Nap time, I'll finish later.

*Finishing

Basically, The conversation we had was really good up until he got upset and made a statement that I've been hearing a lot, whether it been serious or joking, I hate the statement passionately. He said something to the effect of "here you go trying to play victim again." This conversation rubbed me the wrong way for several reasons, mainly because it came out of no where, also it had nothing to do with what just transpired and when I asked how I was playing victim, he kept getting dead ass silent.

Let's pretend for 5 minutes that I do "constantly play victim," If that were true I wouldn't be discussing my situation anyway, unless it was in a pitiful manner. I don't even ask for a pat on the back at work, let alone consellation from someone I haven't talke to in almost 2 years.

This doesn't boil down to me wanting someone to tell me how it is that I play victim, but that would be helpful. I really just want people that make these statements to back them up, so I can shut them down.

Lmao

=)

I Am Ready For Love

Not too much to say. I was in and out of sleep spells all day. I'm feeling like... The single life is not the life for me, but that doesn't mean I'm rushing into the next relationship or something like it. I'm just ready to be loved and share all that I have to offer with that special one. No promiscuous phase or testing the water, I just want to settle down.

I'm 21 but I feel like I'm much older at times. I'm willing to make the necessary sacrifices to be with someone, I just feel like no one else is.

Well, well: the patient one doesn't want to be patient anymore. Time to get a new hobby.

=/

Nothing Is Set In Stone

So, I'm figuring things out. The time I take to learn more and more about myself, I'm having grand self-epiphanies. Of course I still have the yearning for the ex and whatnot, but I refuse to fall back into vicious cycles.

ANYWAY, I realize that nothing is set in stone, meaning that things dont always work out they way we want them to, but if you put your heart and mind into it, you can accomplish whatever it is you want. It's easy to get discouraged and give up, so people automatically choose to take the easy way out of things. If you take the hard way and put in a little more effort, you can find things to be a bit more rewarding in the end. For example, sex. Some people do it for pleasure, others do it for a quick release. Put in a little work, drag it out some and the reward can be great!

A chick I used to work with randomly saw me tonight and she gave me a ride home, and we had some very enlightening conversations. It made me wonder why we hadn't hung out sooner. We basically discussed how things aren't coincidences, they happen out of shear belief. If you speak it into existence and act on it, you can get it. No, you WILL get it actually, lol. You may not get it as soon as you want, or sometimes it comes quicker than you expect, either way you have to just know and believe it'll come.

I'm the type of person that just likes to get things done at all costs. If I have to scratch your back, to have mine scratched, then that's what it is. It just means two people are happy at the end of the day instead of one. The chain reaction of positivity that you can set off brings back the best of rewards via Kharma.

"It's not always rainbows and butterflies
It's compromise that moves us along"
- Maroon 5

Love and Life

I've been having that feeling all day today like I've had a significant other, someone in my corner that I had the option of going home to. Reality check: I don't.

I've been replaying a lot of things in my head and wondering how different things would be if my first and I had worked out and to no avail could I figure out if life would be better worse right about now. I think I need to be more confident in the "everything happens for a reason" way of life.

Truly, if I stayed with my ex during some of our break periods, I wouldve missed out on the "fuck love" dates I used to have with my homegirls. I don't think I ever wouldve met some people or stayed friends with other people.

Life is so funny to me because its so complex and you can't solve it like a mystery no matter how hard you try, no matter how many breaks you take to rethink what you're doing and it definitely doesn't matter how many mistakes you make or time you lose. Every wasted experience or lack of experience is more of a loss than it is to do something and learn from that mistake. It may sound crazy, but you never the outcome of things.

Some say life is predetermined, others think its random and cruel. I think it doesn't matter, because at the very end its up to you to choose if it works out or not. My life is going to work out. I'm still young, unfortunately single, but proudly independent. People may think its bad to say "I'm used to being disappointed" but it actually gives me a greater appreciation for self!

"Forgive me first love
I need to get away
To feel again--"
Adele's "First Love"

Don't take anyone for granted.

As I try to go to sleep, I recant the events of today and wonder about the path of life. My ex-boyfriend, first boyfriend ever actually, had a heart attack. He's become a chain smoker and apparently he has a horrible health history in his family. Built dude like that breaking down before me was very scary.

What scared me the most was losing someone that I shared so much with. I just came to grips with our relationship ending, but knowing that he couldve been gone from this earth broke me down quicker than anything ever before. Everything really blew out of place for me today.

I remembered how strong he once was, how strong he made me and it seems like we both crashed when we ended, but just as I am putting together the pieces of my life, I'm realizing that he doesn't fit in it anymore. I love him so much and I loved him so hard, but I truly have to let him go.

My best male friend said something that scared me even more, but it was more of an afterthought. He said somedays he doesn't even want to get up. I've always understood him and at that very moment, it clicked to me why he's my brother. We mirror on so many levels, playing rock for other people, going thru our own trials and tribulations as well as having to grow in our own together but alone.

I pray for them both.

Don't take anyone for granted, including those no longer in your life because the experiences you share with each and every individual make you who you are. Sometimes the bad experiences aren't just growing/learning experiences, but they can be reminders of why somethings aren't meant to be.