Sigh

Why do I feel like it's going to be a long time before I can be truly settled and happy? I mean, things are getting better, but in a very slow way it feels like. I have friends that are genuinely happy for me... at times. Me being happy seems like the norm to people around me, but what some don't realize is how hard it is waking up and pushing myself to do things can be. No one is patting me on the back, or constantly encouraging me to do anything, I'm doing it.

There are people around me that I feel take a lot of things for granted, but outside looking in, they could find their things to say about me as well. Im employed, but unsatisfied with work. I have a place to live, but not my own. I have transportation, but it's inconvenient and public.

I feel like I'm one of those people that will have to keep pushing just to make ends meet.

I need to be in New York. This trip is only the beginning.

Know it.

Confused Ones

I need to take personal inventory and really get my life together. I'm becoming one of those people that just loses themselves at any given moment. I'm a confused one.

Confused ones are those that think they know what they want, but haven't experienced enough to truly know what it is I strive for.

My plans as far as career, school and relocating change daily. I need to focus.

ASAP

What Will This Amount To?

This thing called life is so complicated, everything you do in it pieces together to make some master plan. Its so discouraging at times because you don't know what the final picture is supposed to look like. You're born, you live and you die. That's all we know. So what's this all going to pan out and make?

Its so frustrating to not know what the future holds. I think that's why I love life so much, the challenge in not knowing what's going to happen can be exciting at times. There are ups and downs, I'd rather dwell on top of the hill than down at the bottom of the ditch.

Again, what will all this amount to?
Everything, because everything we do, good and bad, makes us who we are.

What Power Do You Possess?

I find it so funny that blame always gets placed on me for things and a lot of the time instead of going back and forth deciphering right and wrong, I take the hit and try to take action to move forward. Apparently that isn't enough, because I assume that I can set some sort of example and that actions would be reciprocated. I fail to forget that I can't change people. That isn't a power I possess.

We all have things that we do, certain rights and wrongs we use to change ourselves and others, but I forget that I don't lead others by example, I usually lead others in more manipulative ways. The trickiness behind my manipulation is that most of the time I don't do it on purpose, but I'm sometimes satisfied with the outcome.

What power do you possess? We all have the power of change but do you use it for good or evil?
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Good spirits.

Let's do something different. I'm going to list all the positives in my life to begin:

I'm working, have money, a place to sleep, an apple computer, a blackberry, I'm creative, healthy, and I know I have a bright future.

With all that said, what's holding me back? Maybe its the thought of what I don't have: a car, my own place, a particular look, a certain confidence/steeze.

Things will come in time, but its hard to know what actually will come since I feel like I don't know what I want to do. This summer will be very interesting, it will be a time for new self-discovery and motivation.

"When you're down, you have the world holding you there so you have trouble finding people to help pick you up. You hold everyones problems, but no one wants to hold yours." -Pessi Mistic

"So here's the motivation to move forward with: you've come this far, 21yrs of age, why stop now? Some people don't begin their careers till 30 or later. You get frustrated and confused because you're so eager. Be patient, take your time and take care of yourself.

You'll be great when your time comes. You'll always be in your prime until you're ready to break"
-Me to myself

^_^
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What's really real?

Looking at this ridiculous pic, you may wonder "what the hell?" Its a pic I took on the train I took, but its off the window. The reflection is of my phone and some seats and out the window are a couple lights.

The picture itself isn't important, but the meaning behind it is. At this point in my life, the expression "nothing is as it seems" is more meaningful to me than what's actually been said to me in a while. People may appear to us as one thing, but when they look in the mirror, they don't even see their true selves. Isn't that crazy?

Basically, I can see myself without a mirror, but only parts of my self. I can never look myself in the face physically in realtime, only a reflection of who I appear to be or who I want to be.

This brings me to my question: Who do I want to be me? I mean, I know I want to be me, as unique, different and inspirational as possible, but who do I want to be?

Perception is everything; in the eyes of the beholder; the difference between what you and I see; key.

To sum it all up I'm seen differently by most, some see me as unique, some see me as funny, some see me as shady, some see me as real.

Do I ever want to be seen with a general definition? No. If everyone thought the exact same things about me, that means my personality lacks variety and makes me feel boring.

Wait.

What am I talking about again?