Im stuck.

Everytime I try to get free, negativity pulls me back. I've tried clearing my head numerous times today and just can't seem to find the love I need to get thru what it is that I'm going thru.

For those of you that know me, you know that I usually try to look on the bright side, or think positively. Outside looking in, the process always looked easy, but one day you will find that the grass isn't always greener.

Thinking positively for me has always been really hard, because I had always been surrounded by negative forces. I always pull the positivity from within and tried spreading it to others. Whats funny is, when you look to others for positivity, sometimes you get negativity back.

The funniest thing to me is Perception. Perception is one of those things that would be hard to personify, because it's different for everyone, so generalizations could possibly never be made. When I told people that I was having a hard time with what I was doing, it was a form of asking for help. What seemed like a way to reach out for help to me, was perceived as me playing victim by others. I guess what hurts the most is the fact that I keep getting called as the victim player, when I never gave up the whole while asking for help.

So again, I'm stuck. I've just made my creative block worse now with more of these thoughts and now I don't know how to get rid of this label on my chest that says "save me."

As if being dramatic weren't enough....

Why I Don't Play Well With Others....

Let me start from the top.

A few months ago, early november a guy named... "Rock" entered my life. I met him thru someone I had met thru someone I became friends with a week earlier, we'll call him... Trent. Rock was a real cool dude, I became quickly infatuated with him, but at the time, I didn't find it appropriate to say so. He told me he was talking to someone, but we remained friends for a couple months, then fell out of contact.

Fast Forward>Last week, I get a message from Rock on facebook saying "where you been at? I've missed my lowkey future" so I messaged him back my number because I hate messaging back and forth on facrbook.

FF>Rock calls, we catch up, I tell him how I used to dig him, he tells me how he liked me and sees something in the future for us, and how he wants to take me out, yadda yadda bull.

FF>Monday afternoon, I was in Lenox and saw Rock and this dude holding hands. I text him asking him when he was going to tell me about his man, no response. I'm randomly on twitter, I accidentally type his twitter name in the searchbar instead of the address bar and see where him and his BOYFRIEND had been tweeting each other back and forth.

FF>I call Trent to see if it was Rocks boyfriend, of course it was. I inform Trent that I'm no longer cool with Rock and I don't wanna ever be in the same room as him.

SO now Rock decides he wants to blow my shit up calling and texting me out the ass. My first mind said "don't respond" which I wasn't doing at first, but then, I did.

At 2:30am, he called again and dug his hole deeper. He says "my feelings for you are unique compared to ol boy I'm with now" and "he needs me, I'm not a fan of this situation"

I'm going back to sleep. I can't type anymore of this garbage.

3:36am

So Im finally awake...

and I feel exactly the same as I did before. Nothing is changing and I don't feel like I can make things change.

What's wrong with me? I don't think I've ever been this done. I know indirectly what's wrong, I'm still heartbroken. How do I fix this though? I honestly don't believe a new boyfriend can replace the old one and getting back together at this point just seems...

I don't know...

So, again, Im awake and I don't feel any different. Actually, there is a difference, I don't even feel that temporary spurt of happiness right now. Maybe I need to get out of the house and get out of my head...

I don't wanna sleep...

I wanna live and I feel like if I go to sleep, I may not get back up. Im just tired of feeling this way and nothing seems to make me feel ok. Temporarily, Im happy and positive and get what I need to done, but right about now I'm just over everything. Nothing seems to be a good enough reason to look towards the future anymore. The dream I once had is gone and I don't have the strength to paint a new picture right now.

Ok, Im not going to type too much more. Last bit of the rant is this: I feel so alone and everything I want to do is being done, so how do I hold my own next to someone without seeming like a copy? How can I do me when I'm already being done?

Why can't I sleep? Because I don't wanna sleep, I wanna live.

The truth is funny...

And that's what makes that statement funny.

I wish people would just say what their problem is so I wouldn't have to play guessing games or pretend everything is ok. I'm pretty bad at expressing myself at times, but I can atleast say why I don't want to talk about something.

I know I'm one that heavily believes you can create your own reality, but that doesn't mean by ignoring each and every problem that they go away. Be upfront and confront your problems and find a way to move on.

Relax, it all gets better in time. Even my dramatic ass knows this so you should too.

=/